I arrived yesterday morning in California, my plane landed in a suburb of LA called Ontario. As expected it was a tiny, pathetic excuse for an airport but who cares, the ticket was cheaper and still close to my friends place.

My plane was actually just stopping in Ontario California and then continuing on to Honolulu Hawaii. Those going on to Hawaii stayed on the plane and the rest of us exited. As I exited something odd and unexpected happened. First of all, while we were up in the air I could swear I heard Arabic. I wasnt absolutely positive but I was pretty sure. Apparently my guess was right because as I walked off the Plane wearing my Al Ahly Jacket, with “AL AHLY” written on the back, I heard someone in the front say, “SNORT* A’ha” Which is one of the most vulgar Egyptian curses. I already had one foot outside the plane when I heard it so unfortunately I couldnt turn around to see who this guy was. He boarded the plane in Chicago so if he’s Egyptian I probably know him.

Anyways so I land in Ontario and while I’m waiting at the baggage claim my friend walks in to the airport to meet and greet me. Finally I get my bag and we head out to the car. This is where things start to get weird.

I step outside and immediately smell something familiar, something bad that I’ve smelled before. Its strong and suddenly I realize its the smell of horse shit! I kept looking around for police on horses or a pile shit somewhere nearby but as we walked to the car the smell was still there and still strong, in fact the smell was constant and never ceasing as if there was a pile of horse shit right underneath my nose.

What could possibly cause the inescapable smell of shit all around you? I had to ask someone, I saw a guy walking towards us in the parking lot…

Yours Truly: Excuse me sir, do you live around here? (its an airport, he could be from anywhere)

Unsuspecting Victim: Yes I surely do, for nearly 45 years!

Yours Truly: I see, well that sure is a long time. I was wondering if you could tell me, whats that overwhelming smell of SHIT!?

UV:(With a look of shock on his face) Oh well the neighboring town has Cow farms!

Yours Truly: Really and the smell of cow shit is so strong that it consumes your entire city?

UV: Uhhh, yea I guess.

Yours Truly: Well there’s no need to guess, the smell of SHIT is quite apparent!

UV: Yeaaaa, well have a good day!

Yours Truly: Yea you too!

As usual my friend has a complete look of shock on his face, he was too embarassed to stand there and listen to my outrageous behavior so he kept walking and was by the car already. After we got in the car we pulled up towards the ticket booth so we could pay for the parking. Inside the booth was a young lady who had no idea that I was about to make her victim number 2.

My friend is already giving me a look like, “dont you dare do this to me again”. But I couldnt help myself…

Yours Truly: Excuse me madam, would you mind telling me why your town smells like shit!?

Victim #2: Ummm, excuse me?

Yours Truly: The smell of Shit. Don’t tell me you cant smell it.

V#2: Oh, its Chino.

Yours Truly: What the hell is Chino? Is that a breed of extra smelly Cow?

V#2: Chino is a city, its where all the cow farms are.

Yours Truly: I see, one last question, do you get used to the smell or do you feel nauseous all the time like I do right now?

I didnt get a chance to hear her answer because my friend was already sick of my questions and had pulled away from the booth. He’s no fun.

Imagine an entire city that smells like SHIT, all the time. It raised so many questions in my mind like, “how much are property values?”, “are there any restaurants with outdoor seating?” and “Why wont that smell go away!?”. We stopped at a convenience store to pick up a bottle of water and as I walked outside with the bottle pressed to my lips I smelled nothing but SHIT! Imagine drinking a bottle of water or eating inside of a barn! Unbelievable. Even racing down the highway with the window open, it was like having shit thrown in your face.

“Ontario California-We Smell Like Shit!”

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